Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Is There Any Better Place For Me?

Wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy,  lol, not really. As a normal person, I feel shitty whenever I woke up from my dream, my dream that always gives me what I want. A sudden relief when I see my wife's face. Like ordinary man, I feel so regret in each morning because I didn't sleep early on the night before. With dizzy head, eyes barely open, I grab my towel and head straight to the bathroom. To be honest, that is not the best condition for anyone to face a pack schedule of classes starting 8 a.m till 6 p.m.

Start my day battling with coldness against the water. Won the fight and feels like I'm the hero of the day. Watching my daughter in her walker, observing my wife while she's getting ready for work, aaaahhh, what a life. Thinking about what to eat for breakfast while getting ready for class. Kiss my daughter before my wife send her to the babysitter. Send my wife to her work place. Have a couple of kisses and drive away to my college. No heavy traffic jam. Michael Buble's songs on the player. What a kick-start for a day.

Everything seems going to be well till the end of the day. There is nothing negative in my mind until, I reached my college and meet up a bunch of poseurs to life. Not all of them, but still, they practice the quote 'quality is better than quantity' and they master about it so well. The same person who had all the hates in the world, talking and yelling to me about someone's bad, cursing with foul languages, kicking tables and chairs yesterday, seems to be the closest friend to the person that he used to hate, like when? Yesterday? You must be fucking kidding me. It's barely 24 hours yet and now you're laughing with him, pretend to be like you are the best friend that he ever had? Seriously, in front of me? You could get an award with all the dramas you've played. No doubt about it.

I try to not pay a single attention but I swear to god, they breed! Now they mastered both qualities and quantities. So I speak up what I had in mind and turns out, everyone hates me. Now I'm confused. Is it acceptable for someone to be hypocrite in this world? Is it the only way to survive in this world so that people will 'love' you? Was I wrong for all the time? If it is true, then someone please find a better place for me to stay. I would rather being hated by all people than to let hypocrite slowly eats my soul.

At the moment like this I wish I could spent my time with my daughter all day. I wish I could stare into my wife's eyes forever because I know whatever happens to me, I still have 2 wonderful girls that will always love me no matter who I am, what I am. So screw you, fakers! Search for your soul deep inside of you. Be true, be you.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


What is love? Sure there will be so much perspectives about it. Since tomorrow is my 2 years anniversary according to Muslim calendar, so i decided to wrote this.

"A lady of forty-seven who had been married twenty-seven years and has six children knows what love really is and once described it for me like this: 'Love is what you've been through with somebody.' - James Thurber"
Even though  it is not so precise about love, but it describes love in a unique perspective of love. From my point of view, there is no one can define what love is. Love could be anything, everything. Love is about complex feelings that live in our complex body, mind and soul. My style of love might be different from yours but what most important is, we care about the person or thing. So why we should fight for love if the reason love created in this world is to be together? Why there are always pride and ego when it comes to love?

For me, love is what makes me what I am today. Since the day our eyes met together, I could feel the energy in it. Something that tells me to do whatever I can to get this love, and hell yeah I did my best. Love leads me to another dimension of life, another view opened wide in front of me. Where I can see absolute happiness awaits me. So I marry her. Not much different, just now, we can do pretty much we want without a doubt, and the most important thing is, we can be together like 24/7.

One could love someone so much until a point that nothing does matter anymore. Everybody has been there, done that. So did I. Craving for her touch like 24/7 whether in my fantasies or realities. Falling in love is the most unexplainable feelings we ever had where happy, nervous, afraid, excited and so much more feelings mixing together and haunt us day by day. The happy moment where we think there is always a hint that she loves you even though it is just not true. The nervous feeling you had when you proposed her and she ask for some times to think and you always thinking the negative things. When you feel afraid to lose her and trying hard to keep her by your side. The exciting feeling you had on your way to her house to pick her up for dinner. All of those feeling actually define a small part of love.

Love is beautiful inside and out when you know what love is. So what's holding you back from getting your love and be happy? Screw what peoples say, they just jealous anyway. Grab onto the chances you've got and take her away. Away to your own world where it's only you and her. Fly with her, if she fell down, grab her hand and fly again. Doesn't love is beautiful?


 "A single rose can be my garden... a single friend, my world. -  Leo Buscaglia "
So true about what it says, because I'm not the type of person who fancy to be loads of friends at a time. It's hard for me to start a conversation to someone I barely known. So to be true, I don't have much friends but when I close to a friend, I appreciate him/her (mostly him) more than if I had thousand friends. So how much does friendship values to me? For sure, more than anyone could appreciates their friends. Why do I so into friendship-ness? It's all started when i moved out from my mom's house. I was 17 back then. Young and hopeless, I was looking for a place to stay. I ended up staying at my friend's house, where friendship spirit started to fill inside of me. I met a couple of new friends which I consider to be my new 'family', because deep inside of me, I need a family even though I keep on saying that i don't need a family to continue my life. Well, I was young and in denial stage of life.

I was so happy with my new 'family' until I forgot that peoples do change in the future. People and friendship do have positive relationship which means when people change, friendship change. Some of them change because they want to be new (which the older version is way much nicer), some of them change because of their life partner (which recently I've received an SMS that wrote, "Zz.jgn annoying pls." just because I asked him what did he do that time and apparently, I disturbed his date with his new girlfriend), some of them change just because they love to change. After a quite some great times I had, I have to move out from the house just because the external problems interfered in our relationship. Slowly, the distance eats up our relationship until we all act like strangers again.

So there I was, looking for a new 'family' which I hope to be equivalent or much better than the previous. Getting close with new friends, treat them like I treat my previous friends and end up getting a stab on my back. No wonder they always pat my back, they were searching for a soft spot to stab. What an ass-licker. So I grew up, taking new perspectives in friendship and live which I learned that there is no one closer to you than yourself. I lived my life the way I want, ignoring others thoughts about me. Taking advices from me and myself only until at one point, I feel lonely. In my thought, I need friends, even my body has its own friend; the shadow, the reflection on a mirror. Once again, I searched for new friends, just this time, I don't put too much hopes on it. Just a couple of friends that will listen to my problems is good enough.

After a several years, here I am, having 2 great friends who have been a wonderful friends, my active-seeing friend; Izham and my active-chatting friend; Faizal aka Bagak. Even though all people do change, this time, there's no changes could've change the relationship.